Divorce and Re-marriage

Sadly, divorce is so easy now days. There is No Fault Divorce, where in the past, there had to be a real legit reason for people to divorce.
Marriage is a covenant. When I think of that I think of 100%-100%. Each person is giving 100%, and working at it.
The google definition says; agreement, commitment, guarantee, warrant, promise, bond. 
It seems people go into marriage expecting something so much different. Maybe thinking it is going to be easy, they aren't going to fight, and that there aren't going to be hard times. So many people have just said; "It's just not fun like we thought it would be." That's ridiculous! Marriage is two people working together. There are hard times. No matter what, there are going to be hard times, and yes, those difficult times could last for years. 70%  of people who get divorces say; "Not only COULD HAVE we saved the marriage, but we SHOULD HAVE saves it." Also, 70% of people who were having a very unsatisfying marriage has come back and said five years later that their marriages were either satisfying or very satisfying. It is something that takes work, but it gets better!

Then there are those people who are divorced, have kids, are starting to date and get remarried.
If you are marrying somebody who has kids, here are a few steps to remember.

1) It takes a minimum of two years to reach a normalcy in blended families.
2) The birth parents should be the ones to do all the heavy discipline. 
3) The step- parents should act more like a fantastic aunt or uncle. 
        -Clear expectations, and supports parents. 
4) Parents need to discuss things together privately.  More than other parents would normally do. 

Active Parenting

There's a few things parenting can do for someone:

• Helps people grow, learn, develop, and overcome
• Develop new qualities
• It is very fulfilling
• Teaches how to forgive others and themselves 
• Creates a stable environment
• Teaches adaptability 

Although, these benefits for the parents are just as beneficial for the children. 

When it comes to parenting, there are three different types. They are Authoritarian, Authoritative, and permissive. Authoritarian, or negative parenting, is the parents who are really hard on their children. They are very controlling, degrading, and harsh towards their children. Authoritative, or active parenting, is where parenting should be done. There's enough respect, and it allows the kid to know that the parent is in charge, but the parent is also a friend. It is a good between. Permissive, or push- over parenting is where the parent tries to hard to be the friend. They do not show any dominance, and there really is no control in the home. The children do not have respect, and kind of walk all over them. 

It takes a lot of trust on the child's part to let people parent them. it really does, so it's important to build that trust. And remember, Respect is not the same as fear.

Encourage your children!! Build on strengths, show confidence, value them, and stimulate independence. Don’t Focus on weaknesses, expect the worse or too little, expect too much, over overprotect or pamper. Also, children should be taught with warmth and constancy mostly rather than strictness. Also, when teaching children, focusing on the needs of the child rather than their behaviors is super beneficial. 

Woman Working

In the past, woman stayed home and raised the children, and nurtured the children, while the fathers left and provided for the family. Now days, it has become a lot more popular for both parents to leave the house to work and provide, while the children are left with a nanny, or daycare, or another person to teach them, and help raise them. One thing to think about for parents, and mothers, is when they are gone and working all the time, there is another person teaching and taking care of your children, and teaching them their values, so in the end it really comes down to; who do you really want to teach your children their values?

For men and woman, they say, "the biggest regret was not spending more time with my family." This is stated by the parents who thought they wanted a career and job so badly, but after the years, found that what they really wanted was their family. The talk Good, Better, Best, given by an LDS apostle, Elder Dallin H. Oaks, states: "I have never known of a man who looked back on his working life and said 'I just didn't spend enough time with my job.'"
 (the whole talk can be found here
---> https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2007/10/good-better-best?lang=eng&_r=1)

It is understood that women cannot be in the home all the time, and they do have to work. This is mostly true with women who do not have children yet. At this time, more than likely, both husband and wife are working. This principle can be used if the wife is stay at home as well, but couples need to make sure they find time, and they shift and adjust in any direction, to be sure they are still building up their relationship. They need to make sure they are still praying together, reading scriptures together, attend the temple together, and just finding time to be with each other in general. They need to make sure they MAKE time. Plan and budget so time can be found, and this is especially important when couples are busy, and may not see each other very often!

Couples need to find ways to keep their relationship strong.

Communication is Key

There are three ways to communicate with people. Those three ways being: words, tone, and non- verbal cues. Each way to communicate has a specific percentage as to the importance and value of the way somebody is communicating.

Words--------------Around 20%
Tone ---------------Around 30%
Non- Verbal ------Around 50 %

Somebody could be saying something, and depending on the way they present themselves with non-verbal cues, and depending on their tone of voice, could demonstrate the true meaning as to the message they are trying to send across. But, while looking at the percentages above, all three ways to communicate are pretty necessary.

One of the main problems is, people assume that the other person already knows. Therefore, they tend to not communicate with words very much. We do not always know what the other person is saying, even if we think we might, so it really is important to discuss.
When listening to the other person, it is important to put forth the effort of actually trying to understand them, and where they are coming from. Doing this validates. It helps the other person realize that you do care enough to decode what they are saying. It demonstrates compassion. Putting forth this effort helps each other to learn about the other person, to appreciate the other person, and to love the other person.

With that in mind, keep this in mind:
"There are many advantages to conflict."
Conflict, when gone through positively and correctly, just gives two people, or couples, the opportunity to grow closer together. To love each other more, to appreciate each other more, and to learn about the other person more.

Stress, Crisis, and Coping.... In the Home

Stressors: They give you an overwhelming feeling, make you anxious, they come from challenges in life, and they are only temporary.

Stressors in the Family, or the home my be caused by:
Bills/ money, children, car payments, house, conflicts, school, relationships, food, disciplining, disagreements, and in-laws. 

Crisis': They are traumatic, they ARE challenges, they are out of our control, and they are permanent. 

People see these crisis' as detrimental, but they do not have to be. It really all depends how people look at it, and how they take in the experience. If you look at the Chinese symbols for Crisis, it demonstrates something that opens up the mind a bit.

Crisis: Danger/ opportunity.
Yes, they may be difficult to get through, and yes, they might really suck, but what they truly are is an opportunity to learn and grow.

If we also look at the ABC Model, it demonstrates how and why people can actually grow from these traumatic experiences.

    Actual Event
+ Both Resources and Responses
   Cognition (Perception)
-------------------------------------
TOTAL EXPERIENCE

How people respond to these crisis', comes soulfully on how they Perceive them. There are many terrible events that can happen in a family, and those events can tear people apart... but they DON'T have to! It's not easy, but these events can help people grow more than anything. In the end, they can come out stronger than they were at the beginning.
One thing I find important to remember while getting through a crisis, is it's important to go through them with your spouses, and keeping them involved. People tend to begin to lean towards other family members, like sisters brothers, or parents. Because of that, they grow away from their spouses, and it causes the problems to be harder, and even more detrimental. Husband and wife need to continue to be the team! No matter what! With problems, and anything really, they need to go to each other before anybody else... EVER!!

This is where COPING comes into play.
What is Coping?? It could be defined as these things: Dealing with/ getting by/ and getting by with distractions.
One way families can be more prepared is by prepping each other before any crisis ever happens. Coping ahead of time helps the family to know what to do if a situation were to happen. Nobody plans and waits around expecting every bad thing to happen, and more times than not, those crisis' do not happen, but nobody knows if these things will occur. It's best to be prepared beforehand. It gives the family something to hold on to to help pull each other up and out.

Dating.

Guys, along with girls, have seemed to forgotten how to date. Now days they just hang out, or hook up, and they assume each other knows it is a date, or that one of them is interested in the other one, or they don't really talk in general. The old fashioned traditional way of dating has been thrown onto the back burner, but it should not be at all, and here's why.

The old fashioned traditional dating tactic. The Guy (Usually the guy, can be the girl), Pays for the date, and plans it, and the guy and the girl are paired off together. When the guy pays for the date, that does not necessarily mean he has to pay money, but he should provide whatever is necessary for the date to happen. When he plans for the date, that means it should not be spontaneous, and out of the blue. It should planned. If a guy asks a girl on a date, then he should plan everything, and visa versa. Also, the two should be paired off together and, the two should be spending time together. It should be pretty much obvious that they are together for the date. There is a reason as to why this is so important.
In a marriage, the husband should be able provide for the family, protect the family, and preside for the family. If you look at the two, dating and marriage, it ties all together.

Preside------ Plan
Protect------ Paired off
Provide----- Pay for

While dating, with girls, it is "easier" to evaluate a potential spouse if they follow those "steps". The way we date is the way we marry. If a guy cannot provide, protect, and preside while dating, how do you expect them do be any better in marriage?This is exactly why the traditional way of dating is so important, and why couples should not just "hang out", or hook up to find a potential spouse.

Gender Roles

Males and female. Moms and dads. They both obtain their specific roles. Traits of females are; emotional, sensitive, gentle, nurturing, quiet, weak, soft, dependent and so on. Males... they are strong, tough, aggressive, rebellious, problem- solvers, active, competitive, tough-skinned, non- emotional, and so on. Mothers stay at home at work all day while nurturing the children, and they teach them these "roles," while fathers work hard all day earning a living for the family. This is how it's suppose to be... right??

Okay... lets look a little deeper. Some people tend to get caught up in this idea that females SHOULD and ARE like this, and males ARE and SHOULD act like that. If they do not have those traits, people tend to put them in these categories labeling them as "feminine" or "masculine". They tend to label them or even themselves as gay, even from a young age, just because they possibly obtain one of these characteristics, or personalities. Just because because a male is sensitive, or emotional that definitely defines him as gay. Right?? Let us look at this from a different point of view.

Females!! look at this graph. When looking at a man, and looking for a future companion, do you want a guy who is a little emotional? A little sensitive? Gentle? How about a man who is nurturing? I would almost guarantee, or assume, many females would not oppose some of these "feminine" traits.

Now males!! When looking for a female, how many would really oppose to a female have "masculine" traits? Like somebody who is strong, or active, or competitive, or a problem solver? I would again assume that not very many would! 

I think it is important to remember that just because a female is aggressive, and tough, and a male is sensitive or nurturing, that does not mean they are gay! Each person is so unique, and different, and every child should be raised both ways without being labeled.