Divorce and Re-marriage

Sadly, divorce is so easy now days. There is No Fault Divorce, where in the past, there had to be a real legit reason for people to divorce.
Marriage is a covenant. When I think of that I think of 100%-100%. Each person is giving 100%, and working at it.
The google definition says; agreement, commitment, guarantee, warrant, promise, bond. 
It seems people go into marriage expecting something so much different. Maybe thinking it is going to be easy, they aren't going to fight, and that there aren't going to be hard times. So many people have just said; "It's just not fun like we thought it would be." That's ridiculous! Marriage is two people working together. There are hard times. No matter what, there are going to be hard times, and yes, those difficult times could last for years. 70%  of people who get divorces say; "Not only COULD HAVE we saved the marriage, but we SHOULD HAVE saves it." Also, 70% of people who were having a very unsatisfying marriage has come back and said five years later that their marriages were either satisfying or very satisfying. It is something that takes work, but it gets better!

Then there are those people who are divorced, have kids, are starting to date and get remarried.
If you are marrying somebody who has kids, here are a few steps to remember.

1) It takes a minimum of two years to reach a normalcy in blended families.
2) The birth parents should be the ones to do all the heavy discipline. 
3) The step- parents should act more like a fantastic aunt or uncle. 
        -Clear expectations, and supports parents. 
4) Parents need to discuss things together privately.  More than other parents would normally do. 

Active Parenting

There's a few things parenting can do for someone:

• Helps people grow, learn, develop, and overcome
• Develop new qualities
• It is very fulfilling
• Teaches how to forgive others and themselves 
• Creates a stable environment
• Teaches adaptability 

Although, these benefits for the parents are just as beneficial for the children. 

When it comes to parenting, there are three different types. They are Authoritarian, Authoritative, and permissive. Authoritarian, or negative parenting, is the parents who are really hard on their children. They are very controlling, degrading, and harsh towards their children. Authoritative, or active parenting, is where parenting should be done. There's enough respect, and it allows the kid to know that the parent is in charge, but the parent is also a friend. It is a good between. Permissive, or push- over parenting is where the parent tries to hard to be the friend. They do not show any dominance, and there really is no control in the home. The children do not have respect, and kind of walk all over them. 

It takes a lot of trust on the child's part to let people parent them. it really does, so it's important to build that trust. And remember, Respect is not the same as fear.

Encourage your children!! Build on strengths, show confidence, value them, and stimulate independence. Don’t Focus on weaknesses, expect the worse or too little, expect too much, over overprotect or pamper. Also, children should be taught with warmth and constancy mostly rather than strictness. Also, when teaching children, focusing on the needs of the child rather than their behaviors is super beneficial. 

Woman Working

In the past, woman stayed home and raised the children, and nurtured the children, while the fathers left and provided for the family. Now days, it has become a lot more popular for both parents to leave the house to work and provide, while the children are left with a nanny, or daycare, or another person to teach them, and help raise them. One thing to think about for parents, and mothers, is when they are gone and working all the time, there is another person teaching and taking care of your children, and teaching them their values, so in the end it really comes down to; who do you really want to teach your children their values?

For men and woman, they say, "the biggest regret was not spending more time with my family." This is stated by the parents who thought they wanted a career and job so badly, but after the years, found that what they really wanted was their family. The talk Good, Better, Best, given by an LDS apostle, Elder Dallin H. Oaks, states: "I have never known of a man who looked back on his working life and said 'I just didn't spend enough time with my job.'"
 (the whole talk can be found here
---> https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2007/10/good-better-best?lang=eng&_r=1)

It is understood that women cannot be in the home all the time, and they do have to work. This is mostly true with women who do not have children yet. At this time, more than likely, both husband and wife are working. This principle can be used if the wife is stay at home as well, but couples need to make sure they find time, and they shift and adjust in any direction, to be sure they are still building up their relationship. They need to make sure they are still praying together, reading scriptures together, attend the temple together, and just finding time to be with each other in general. They need to make sure they MAKE time. Plan and budget so time can be found, and this is especially important when couples are busy, and may not see each other very often!

Couples need to find ways to keep their relationship strong.

Communication is Key

There are three ways to communicate with people. Those three ways being: words, tone, and non- verbal cues. Each way to communicate has a specific percentage as to the importance and value of the way somebody is communicating.

Words--------------Around 20%
Tone ---------------Around 30%
Non- Verbal ------Around 50 %

Somebody could be saying something, and depending on the way they present themselves with non-verbal cues, and depending on their tone of voice, could demonstrate the true meaning as to the message they are trying to send across. But, while looking at the percentages above, all three ways to communicate are pretty necessary.

One of the main problems is, people assume that the other person already knows. Therefore, they tend to not communicate with words very much. We do not always know what the other person is saying, even if we think we might, so it really is important to discuss.
When listening to the other person, it is important to put forth the effort of actually trying to understand them, and where they are coming from. Doing this validates. It helps the other person realize that you do care enough to decode what they are saying. It demonstrates compassion. Putting forth this effort helps each other to learn about the other person, to appreciate the other person, and to love the other person.

With that in mind, keep this in mind:
"There are many advantages to conflict."
Conflict, when gone through positively and correctly, just gives two people, or couples, the opportunity to grow closer together. To love each other more, to appreciate each other more, and to learn about the other person more.

Stress, Crisis, and Coping.... In the Home

Stressors: They give you an overwhelming feeling, make you anxious, they come from challenges in life, and they are only temporary.

Stressors in the Family, or the home my be caused by:
Bills/ money, children, car payments, house, conflicts, school, relationships, food, disciplining, disagreements, and in-laws. 

Crisis': They are traumatic, they ARE challenges, they are out of our control, and they are permanent. 

People see these crisis' as detrimental, but they do not have to be. It really all depends how people look at it, and how they take in the experience. If you look at the Chinese symbols for Crisis, it demonstrates something that opens up the mind a bit.

Crisis: Danger/ opportunity.
Yes, they may be difficult to get through, and yes, they might really suck, but what they truly are is an opportunity to learn and grow.

If we also look at the ABC Model, it demonstrates how and why people can actually grow from these traumatic experiences.

    Actual Event
+ Both Resources and Responses
   Cognition (Perception)
-------------------------------------
TOTAL EXPERIENCE

How people respond to these crisis', comes soulfully on how they Perceive them. There are many terrible events that can happen in a family, and those events can tear people apart... but they DON'T have to! It's not easy, but these events can help people grow more than anything. In the end, they can come out stronger than they were at the beginning.
One thing I find important to remember while getting through a crisis, is it's important to go through them with your spouses, and keeping them involved. People tend to begin to lean towards other family members, like sisters brothers, or parents. Because of that, they grow away from their spouses, and it causes the problems to be harder, and even more detrimental. Husband and wife need to continue to be the team! No matter what! With problems, and anything really, they need to go to each other before anybody else... EVER!!

This is where COPING comes into play.
What is Coping?? It could be defined as these things: Dealing with/ getting by/ and getting by with distractions.
One way families can be more prepared is by prepping each other before any crisis ever happens. Coping ahead of time helps the family to know what to do if a situation were to happen. Nobody plans and waits around expecting every bad thing to happen, and more times than not, those crisis' do not happen, but nobody knows if these things will occur. It's best to be prepared beforehand. It gives the family something to hold on to to help pull each other up and out.

Dating.

Guys, along with girls, have seemed to forgotten how to date. Now days they just hang out, or hook up, and they assume each other knows it is a date, or that one of them is interested in the other one, or they don't really talk in general. The old fashioned traditional way of dating has been thrown onto the back burner, but it should not be at all, and here's why.

The old fashioned traditional dating tactic. The Guy (Usually the guy, can be the girl), Pays for the date, and plans it, and the guy and the girl are paired off together. When the guy pays for the date, that does not necessarily mean he has to pay money, but he should provide whatever is necessary for the date to happen. When he plans for the date, that means it should not be spontaneous, and out of the blue. It should planned. If a guy asks a girl on a date, then he should plan everything, and visa versa. Also, the two should be paired off together and, the two should be spending time together. It should be pretty much obvious that they are together for the date. There is a reason as to why this is so important.
In a marriage, the husband should be able provide for the family, protect the family, and preside for the family. If you look at the two, dating and marriage, it ties all together.

Preside------ Plan
Protect------ Paired off
Provide----- Pay for

While dating, with girls, it is "easier" to evaluate a potential spouse if they follow those "steps". The way we date is the way we marry. If a guy cannot provide, protect, and preside while dating, how do you expect them do be any better in marriage?This is exactly why the traditional way of dating is so important, and why couples should not just "hang out", or hook up to find a potential spouse.

Gender Roles

Males and female. Moms and dads. They both obtain their specific roles. Traits of females are; emotional, sensitive, gentle, nurturing, quiet, weak, soft, dependent and so on. Males... they are strong, tough, aggressive, rebellious, problem- solvers, active, competitive, tough-skinned, non- emotional, and so on. Mothers stay at home at work all day while nurturing the children, and they teach them these "roles," while fathers work hard all day earning a living for the family. This is how it's suppose to be... right??

Okay... lets look a little deeper. Some people tend to get caught up in this idea that females SHOULD and ARE like this, and males ARE and SHOULD act like that. If they do not have those traits, people tend to put them in these categories labeling them as "feminine" or "masculine". They tend to label them or even themselves as gay, even from a young age, just because they possibly obtain one of these characteristics, or personalities. Just because because a male is sensitive, or emotional that definitely defines him as gay. Right?? Let us look at this from a different point of view.

Females!! look at this graph. When looking at a man, and looking for a future companion, do you want a guy who is a little emotional? A little sensitive? Gentle? How about a man who is nurturing? I would almost guarantee, or assume, many females would not oppose some of these "feminine" traits.

Now males!! When looking for a female, how many would really oppose to a female have "masculine" traits? Like somebody who is strong, or active, or competitive, or a problem solver? I would again assume that not very many would! 

I think it is important to remember that just because a female is aggressive, and tough, and a male is sensitive or nurturing, that does not mean they are gay! Each person is so unique, and different, and every child should be raised both ways without being labeled.

My Family Culture Made Me Who I Am

I ponder about my family culture, and the person it has made me today. The beliefs it has led me to believe, the traditions I have grown up with, and the way I was reared up into this life in general. I grew up in a small and sheltered area where my school consisted of around 400 students, and around 40-50% of those students were LDS. My dad worked, and all growing up, my mother was a stay at home mom. She cooked my family breakfast every morning, and we ate dinner together as a family basically every night. We are all very close and focus the majority of our activities around our family. I live in the country where The closest mall is an hour and half away, and I never knew anything different. I spent the majority of my growing up life outside playing in the pasture, and barn, and getting dirty with my cousins. My cousin's live all along my road, so I grew up with them as my best friends. Like I mentioned, my family is very close... including my extended family.

I would consider my family as middle class. My parents did not attend college, so maybe some people would label us lower, but they are knowledgeable and know how to work and earn a living. We're comfortable, and because I grew up in the class I'm in, I feel I am humbled, and because of that I know I can be grateful for what I have. I'm actually grateful I grew up and was raised the way I was. I understand hard work, and the reward which comes from it. I know how to grow a garden, work in the house, work outside, care for farm animals, can food, and many other things, and I am so, so, sooo grateful for all of that! Yes, growing up in a sheltered area does have it's cons. For example, I had much of a culture shock when I would go on trips to Washington, or Oregon, or any areas really. It was so weird to me seeing these things that were quite normal for a lot of people, but entirely different for me. I still would not take anything back though.

Do I Even Have a Significance in My Home??

Many people growing up seem to have a "role" they play in their household. Some may be labeled as "The Peacemaker", or the "Second Mom", or the "Trouble Maker", and so on. While many people's “roles” are more prominent I have recently found myself really thinking about what my "role" could possibly be. Growing up with seven older siblings, and one younger, I have truly been wondering what not only mine, but my other family member’s, “significance” towards my household is. I completely understand everybody was put on the earth for a reason, but why are they placed specifically into the households they are in?  Can I really think of any big roles that any of the children in my family obtain that would make my family “less” without them?

It took me quite a bit of thinking and discussing it with others to finally realize how important even the little mini roles are. I recognized the little roles… no, more the personalities every member contributes to my family, making my home the wonderful place it is. I realized I have my own person to go to for anything I need help with, so that’s pretty cool!! I began looking for all the personalities and roles every child contributes to the home, and this is what I found; I’m only doing my siblings, not my in-laws, but my in-laws have contributed such an awesome spirit to the home as well.

-          Sibling Uno: She is super understanding, a great listener, so caring, and has awesome humor. She’s hilarious actually.

-          Sibling 2:  Also a good listener, and gives good incite on situations or thoughts. He’s extremely caring, and goofy… a good goofy. 

-          Siblings 3: She super competitive, which is super fun… and stressful, and she’s soooo easy to talk to, and she’s encouraging and helps people work towards their dreams and goals.  She’s pretty funny too…

-          Sibling 4: She’s understanding and really good at seeing things from other people’s point of view.  She’s an awesome role model, and she’s… funny.

-          Sibling 5: He keeps out of other people’s business, but is there if somebody needs somebody to talk to. He’s very spiritual and gives awesome insight. He’s pretty weird too.

-          Sibling 6: She’s super easy to talk to, and gives great advice and comfort when it’s needed. She’s also pretty funny, and she thinks she’s hilarious, which makes it that much better.

-          Sibling 7: He is super adventurous and always up for doing fun crazy things, and he’s so fun to be around. He really enjoys trying to make people laugh, and is hard working and dedicated.

-          Sibling 8: That’s me…. Apparently I’m the weird one in the family.

-          Sibling 9: She is so strong, and brings such a sweet and needed spirit into the home. She’s understanding, and if she’s given a job, she’ll put her whole heart into it and work as hard as she can. She thinks she’s hilarious, and she is, so that’s okay. Apparently my whole family is just hilarious.

I realize how different my home would be without each and every one of my family members. Everybody brings a special spirit that is needed to balance us out, and I know that is no coincidence.  I believe my home would be so different even if one of them were gone. I know each person was handed these roles for specific reasons. The roles and personalities each and every one of us attains is what make my home the way it is.

            

Introduction

Hello, I'm Shelyn Hansen! I was born and raised in the beautiful area of Driggs, Idaho, and am currently attending college at BYU-Idaho in Rexburg, Idaho. I have every desire to be married in the House of The Lord, and to raise a beautiful family who is strong in the gospel of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

In this blog you will find my approach towards marriage and family, and I hopefully wish to touch those who read. These are my personal thoughts and feelings and I truly hope to be able to enlighten your views on the importance of family.